Pick Up Lines
by PineappleoftheLordAssbutts
Summary: Carlos is pretty damn sick of Cecil's horribly cheesy pick-up lines. Written prior to 'First Date'


_This one-shot was based off a pick-up line creation session with one of my best friends and is probably the most fun I've ever had with writing. Happy New Year's Eve everyone, and I hope you had a fantastic year. If you didn't, I hope it gets better starting today. To everyone who reads my other stories, I am actively working on them, but this time I'm actually planning out the storyline and taking more time with the chapters. This is something I've been working on for a while and I actually had to submit the beginning to an English teacher for a writing evaluation. Try explaining Night Vale fanfiction to a teacher, Enjoy!_

 _((I planned for this to be short oh well))_

Pick-Up Lines

Carlos sighed as his phone buzzed for the third time in an hour. He furiously set down the beaker he was holding, causing a few drops the splash out and the table to colour rainbow underneath them. He cursed and grabbed frantically at a nearby safety-cloth, nabbing at the spill just as it began to smolder. He threw the towel in a biohazard can and peeled off his gloves, tossing them in as well.

The scientist pulled his phone out of his pocket and unlocked it. His scowl melted away and the corner of us mouth twitched up in a small smile as his eyes flitted over the text. It was from Cecil. Of course it was from Cecil. The man (maybe?) had been texting him since he got in this morning. Each text was a painfully cheesy pickup line that it seemed Cecil had created himself.

They ranged from "Do you own a car because you sped your way into my heart" to "You must be a traffic cone because you made me do a U-Turn" to badly concealed references to 'batting preferences' like "I used to be 180 but you made me turn full circle". Carlos had almost dropped his phone into the vat of swirling purple liquid below him when he was reading that last one. He let out a small chuckle and almost groaned as he processed the most recent text.

 **Cecil: Are you a pencil because something lead me to you**

Carlos took a deep breath and turned off the phone, standing and walking to set it on a table a few paces away; far enough from his workspace to deter him from distracting self and reading new texts. The dark skinned man let out another sigh and shook his head gently, dark curls falling around his face.

He slipped on a new pair of his special Night-Vale-proof gloves and returned to his work. Carefully, he took a beaker between his fingers and added it to a cup of bubbling red and blue liquid. If he was asked, Carlos would firmly deny the small smile that had crept onto his face for the next half hour.

•••

As endearing as Carlos found the texts sent by the persistent radio host, Carlos was ready to pitch his phone across the room. It had buzzing in constant 30-40 second intervals for a good five minutes now; the first few spaces far enough apart to have startled him each time.

Of course, he was careful not to show this beyond a few jerks of the beakers he was holding, as if they had been sent by the Sheriff's Secret Police and he showed any reaction to their existence well, let's just say that things wouldn't have been going too well for him any time soon.

Now, due to the first few unfortunate chemical spills, a fellow scientist had begun to develop an unidentifiable and occasionally migrating patch of scales and Carlos was 98.7925% sure that the dragon tattoo on his upper right arm, just above the sleeve of the t-shirt he was wearing, had moved its tail.

He slipped the lab coat off his arm and pulled up the sleeve. The dragon blinked lazily at him with its inky black eye and Carlos quickly jerked the fabric back up onto his shoulder. Shooting an apologetic glance at his group of fellow scientists, Carlos abandoned his science and angrily stomped over to the table where his phone was residing. His team backed away, muttering to themselves about various science things and retreating into the next room. But instead of respecting boundaries, because who in Night Vale needed boundaries, they stayed nearby on the hidden side of the wall so they could hear if a phone call was made.

Carlos did not, in fact, place a phone call, but he did text the man responsible for all the chaos. Carlos swiped open his phone and read the latest barrage of texts.

 **Cecil: You must be a construction worker because you paved a pathway to my heart**

 **Cecil: Who painted you because you're a beautiful piece of art**

 **Cecil: I must be a leaf because I'm falling for you**

 **Cecil: Are you the 1 before 6 zeroes? Because you're the 1 in a million I've been looking for**

 **Cecil: You must be an atom because you make up everything in my life**

Carlos was unable to suppress a chuckle at the last one. In an endearing sort of way, Carlos was glad that the man had resorted to science to encourage Carlos to respond to the cheesiest pick-up lines he had ever heard. The Sheriff's Secret Police Communications Officer monitoring the phone lines must have been annoyed as all hell by this point in the conversation. With a hesitant hand, Carlos tapped the text box and typed a reply.

 **Carlos: That last one's actually pretty good**

He hit send and set the phone down before he could change his mind. Carlos was aware of the other corporeal life forms in the building nearby and pulling out his chair harshly, making sure a loud grating noise was produced from the metal legs moving across the concrete and that it squeaked when he sat. The others slowly began to trickle back into the room. They made a point to question neither the head scientist's conversation nor the light dusting of red that had returned to his cheeks. Carlos distractedly returned to his work.

•••

After a few failed attempts and three rounds of the smoke alarm later, Carlos gave up on his attempts to create a serum to splash on the invisible electrified fence in the back of the lab to make it visible. At this point, he was more likely to create an identical fence right outside his door than to rectify the situation. He set to putting away his beakers and chemicals to focus on astronomy instead. Night Vale had such strange star patterns. None of them corresponded to anything back in the... Carlos stopped.

What would he consider where he had come from? It wasn't his home, his home was here now. With Cecil-... in Night Vale. It wouldn't be the 'real world' either. Night Vale was just as real (probably) as anything back where he had come from (most likely). So, Carlos just settled for calling it "back there" and went with it.

He had just finished washing his hands when the eerie chime that signaled someone entering the lab sounded. He didn't think much of it, instead opting to turn back the star charts of Back There and the charts of Night Vale for comparison, he was so involved in doing so that he was quite surprised when a low voice came close to his right ear.

"Can I call you glucose because you look pretty sweet." Carlos whipped around, eyes widening in surprise. Standing there, smirking and leaning against a lab table with a light flush adorning his otherwise pale cheeks, was Cecil.

The radio host was present in his normal work uniform, which consisted of a white button down undershirt, a purple vest and matching tie with the Night Vale Community Radio emblem embroidered onto the left chest, dark dress pants and honest-to-god deep purple Nikes. His blonde-lavender hair was styled casually, purple glasses sat slightly askew on his face. His third eye was currently closed, just a faint curved line hiding under his bangs, but his tattoos were certainly active. Although, at this point, Carlos could probably say the same for his own. Cecil's wreathed up and down his arms in a smooth, yet chaotic dance. They twisted down and around his finger tips and wound themselves up in spikes and spirals up his neck to flick at his jawline.

Carlos swallowed and suddenly felt under dressed in his own workplace. He cast a quick glance down at this simple outfit. He had on dark blue jeans and relatively nice black dress shoes, along with a red plaid flannel and his signature lab coat thrown over top. He self-consciously straightened his own glasses, neglecting to even attempt a try at taming the dark brown curls atop his head.

"Cecil..." He started, clearing his throat and trying again. "That was incredibly cheesy." Cecil's smile faltered slightly before it was replaced with a determined grimace and crossed arms. A sense of warning filled Carlos and he narrowed his eyes slightly. Uh oh... Carlos thought nervously, biting his bottom lip. Cecil straightened from his leaning position and looked Carlos dead in the eye.

"Challenge accepted." He replied firmly, refusing to break eye contact.

Carlos groaned and hung his head back in despair. Great. Only three more hours of work to go.

•••

Carlos was torn between wanting to kill Cecil and wanting to kiss him. The man had not stopped delivering his pickup lines in solid 10 minute increments for the past hour. Cecil had stuck with science themed ones, all thanks to Carlos's first and only response to the earlier text.

"Are you a property of matter? Because you're the only thing that matters to me." He said at one point, spinning around aimlessly in a rolling chair while Carlos attempted to complete his tasks. Of course, he had then fallen out of the chair but Carlos had chosen to ignore that. The scientist sighed and his cheeks coloured again. He was, for once, thankful for his long hair that he could use to hide his face from the prying blonde.

"Most everything is a property of matter Cecil. You and I, this building, gravity, inertia..." He trailed off as he realized Cecil was no longer looking at him, but inspecting a star chart from Back There that Carlos had printed out. The scientist rolled his eyes and refrained from smirking as he snatched the paper from the other's hands. Carlos had gotten back to comparing his data when

"Are you helium because you lift me up whenever I see you." Carlos almost dropped his paper and bit his lip to keep from smiling. That was the most decent pickup line Cecil had come up with so far; and if he was being honest with himself, he found it quite cute. The lines that followed included:

"If my life was the solar system you'd be the sun" and "You must be a conductor because sparks fly when you're around" and "Are you gravity because you help me stay on Earth." At this last one, Carlos frowned.

"Cecil, that doesn't work." The other man frowned and tiled his head to one side.

"Why not?" He asked in a small voice. Carlos looked up from his work with a raised eyebrow.

"Are you forgetting the time I literally kept you from floating away when the City Council turned off the gravity for carnival day?"

"Oh yeah..."

The rest of the scientists had all moved their work to the back room, some even setting up near the invisible electric fence, although no one really knew if it was still there. No one was brave enough to test for a new development in this investigation. They didn't want to interfere with whatever... this, was.

Although, what Carlos didn't know, was that they had set up a betting pool around town on where and when the two would finally get together. Practically the entire population of Night Vale was in on it, even the Sheriff's Secret Police.

The scientists were pretty smug at this point, having all amended their bets to here, at the lab, within the next 36 hours. They had promised the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home a share of the money to spy on the two and find the exact time. They were still very eager to receive news of the outcome, even if it was second hand.

Meanwhile, Carlos was finding it harder and harder to concentrate on such trifle things such as star charts with Cecil's more than slightly annoying, yet adorable pickup lines. He had moved onto the periodic table now, surreptitiously casting glances down at a paper copy and circling elements with a small note taking pencil.

Every so often, he would set the pencil down with a triumphant grin and saunter over to where Carlos was mixing chemicals again, leaning precariously against a table covered with vials of unidentifiable liquids and would deliver the lines with pride.

"Are you nobelium and hydrogen because you're number one." Carlos looked away from a flaming beaker and tilted his head.

"Couldn't you have just stuck with hydrogen in the first place? It _is_ the first element on the table...?" He glanced up with a questioning gaze at Cecil. Cecil shrugged, looking down at the table and fixing his hair.

"I don't know... I just thought... because nobelium's 'NO'..." He trailed off and slipped back to the desk where the periodic table became his subject of study once again. Soon enough, the bad mood had faded and he was scampering back with more ammunition. "Are you copper and tellurium because you're pretty cute." Carlos laughed out loud, looking up at Cecil with a sparkle of amusement in his deep brown eyes.

"Why thank you good sir." Cecil, obviously not expecting Carlos to respond, flushed bright red. The flush was soon replaced by a wide grin. With renewed vigor, he skipped back to his desk and hunched over the paper once again. How he managed to avoid all the tables and equipment at such a fast pace... Carlos decided not to dwell on it.

It was only an hour until Carlos got off work when it happened. Cecil hadn't approached him with the usual gusto, instead finding as many different ways to distract himself on the way over as he could. Carlos slightly raised an eyebrow as he caught Cecil inspecting the mathematical equation for vertical ascent with apparent interest out of the corner of his eye. He returned to his microscope and opted to not say anything in favor of finding out what was going on with Cecil.

He had written down a few bullet points in his notebook when he became aware of Cecil stopping in front of him. Carlos looked up from his notes and nodded, prompting the radio host to speak. Cecil cleared his throat nervously and looked around for a few moments, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot. Carlos narrowed his eyes when he noted Cecil's eyes meeting everything except for his own.

"Are you gallium and yttrium..." He paused, giving Carlos time to mutter the elements under his breath in an attempt to figure out what it meant. Cecil cleared his throat and began again. "Are you gallium and yttrium because then you'd be gay or this would be _reeaally_ awkward." There was a brief moment of complete silence in the laboratory. "Or... Or maybe bismuth, bi would work too..." He trailed off and dipped his head, looking up at Carlos out of the tops of his eyes. Cecil's hands were clasped awkwardly in front of him and he was rocking back and forth on the heels and balls of his feet like a small child.

It took all of Carlos's self-control not to jump up and hug the life out of him. Instead, Carlos stood and pushed in his chair. In one deliberate, fluid motion, he walked around his desk to stand in front of the nervous man.

"Cecil," he started, running a hand through his hair. "How about a date?" Cecil looked up sharply, eyes shining.

"Really?" He asked in a voice more excited than Carlos had ever heard before. Carlos ignored the burning feeling across his face and took Cecil's hand.

"Really." Cecil's grin turned mischievous.

"Really really?" Carlos chuckled and shook his head.

"No. I am not quoting Shrek with you. Come on, let's go to Dario's. I'm sure my team won't mind if I take off a bit early." Cecil was silent for a moment, before he jumped forward and hugged Carlos as hard as he could; even lifting him off the ground a few centimeters. Carlos laughed softly and wrapped his arms around Cecil's back, taking a moment to revel in the fact that he could _actually do that now_. Cecil set him down and pulled away slightly, taking Carlos's other hand.

"Dario's it is then. Let's be off!" With that, he took off, pulling a grinning Carlos along behind him.

 _ **-2 weeks later-**_

Carlos was sitting at the table, newspaper lying flat against the cedar wood. He picked up the steaming mug of coffee Cecil had made for him and smiled. How that man was able to get up and make coffee and breakfast before the sun even rose was a feat Carlos didn't even want to try to accomplish.

Carlos set down his coffee and let out a relaxed sigh. The few strange desert birds were singing, rays of sunlight from this thankfully screech-free rising sun streamed through the curtained window, and the smell of coffee permeated every room of the house. He was so distracted with the laziness of the morning that he jumped in surprise when a low voice came close to his right ear.

"Are you the sun because you're the brightest thing I see this morning." Carlos groaned and let his head fall back onto the chair.

"No."

"I was a broken circuit until you came and completed me."

"CECIL!"

 _Welcome to Night Vale is a production of common place books_

 _It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffery Cranor and produced by Joseph Fink_

 _Who both belong to the Sheriff's Secret Police_

 _All original content belongs to me_

 _Who also belongs to the Sheriff's Secret Police_

 _We all belong to Sheriff's Secret Police_

 _Who belongs to the Glow Cloud_

 _All Hail_


End file.
